Honesty…

This search for love is tiring. My summer of love never was, as the leaves of autumn start to fall around me. There have been so many offers and so many options, that ultimately led to nothing.

False promises…

So many men I’ve been on dates with state how amazing I am. They tell me they want to go on a second date. They say they really like me. They tell me all kinds of things, but where are they??

One guy I went on a date with was so lovely. He was a really nice charming guy, we had lots of fun, we sang all night and stole a lovely kiss. He tells me he is so looking forward to meeting me again, but then I never hear anything from him. I hardly get a reply to my messages, yet I’m left wondering if he really does want to see me. I liked the guy and I’ve given him plenty of opportunities to converse or arrange a second date, but nothing.

So why does he tell me he’s interested? He probably isn’t interested but just daren’t say so. I wouldn’t be hurt if he didn’t want to go on a second date, but it would be nice to know this. I’m a big guy, I can handle rejection, I am one of those people who understands and accepts quite comfortably that I am not going to be everyones taste. It’s perfectly fine to tell me you’re not interested…

A while back I had another fabulous date with someone. We had a great day and such a laugh. He just seemed so interested and didn’t want to leave. Did I hear from him again? Did I bugger!

Another guy told me he was interested in me and that he had fancied me for ages. But where is he? I offered him an open invitation in to my life and I’m still waiting. So why did this guy tell me he likes me if he has absolutely no intention of even meeting up with me?

Who are these guys? Clearly every single man I meet…

So many promises, yet nothing.

My ex boyfriend one day just started ignoring me. I was never officially dumped in fact. We had a whirlwind romance, he was so in to me. He cared for me, cuddled me, told me he loved me. He told me I was the most beautiful man he had ever been with. He kissed me from his soul. Then one day, nothing. He said something vague about me not being able to compete with his job, then I never heard from him again. I was so hurt, totally devastated, I gave him my heart and he broke it.

I’m completely over him now and have been dating for a while but the old pattern seems to repeat itself. They’re all so keen, but in reality they’re clearly not.

I’m a human being for fuck sake. If you like me and I like you, why can’t you stick around with me? What’s wrong with that? I’m a great guy, fun, caring, sexy, cute, and very honest, and very much ready to commit my entire life to someone. I always talk from the heart, and always talk about my feelings.

If you’re not interested in me then I don’t want to hear from you! If you’re not interested then don’t tell me you want to go on another date, don’t tell me you like me, don’t tell me I’m great, don’t tell me you care about me, don’t tell me you love me, don’t tell me you want to hold me, don’t tell me your interested full stop!

If you’re not interested in me, then don’t cuddle me, don’t kiss me, don’t make love to me! Simple! Get where I’m going with this? Not rocket science really. It’s just honesty!

I’m not some crazy bunny boiler type and I’m equally not stupid. I would just like someone to be honest and tell me that they’re not interested in me. I’ve not once in my life heard someone say that they’re not interested in me. Yet if all the guys I’d met were being honest with me I’d have a hundred or more boyfriends.

I only ever want to hear ‘I like you’ from somebody who is willing to give me their time and maybe their heart… I don’t want to hear it from anybody else!

My heart and I…

I’m finding it hard to focus on things around,

My heart skips beats, or beats with a pound.

Waiting for the man who may or may not be,

To hold my hand forever, and set it free.

I want to wake in a morning and feel the breath of the one I love. Feel his hand in mine. His body curved with mine. Smelling his neck with his erotic perfume, his hair tickling my nose.

Where is this love? I’ve searched so long.

I thought I’d found him, but I was so wrong.

I thought he needed me like I needed him,

But he lied and ignored me and made me feel grim.

When I find the one who cares for me no end, the one who is honest, the one who is loving, caring, and kind, I want to live out my days with him…

Making croissants and coffee in the morning together. A cuddle and a squeeze whilst the kettle is boiling. Read the papers together and make plans for the day. Go for walks holding hands, even silence is bliss. He’ll look me in the eyes and steal a gentle kiss.

I want to look at him from across a room and know he’s with me. Take a glance and wink, and feel safe knowing he’s there forever.

I want to swim in the ocean and discover our own coves, private little beaches where love is just ours. Forever.

I want to party and dance and have good times. A laugh and joke and plenty of beers.

Make love all the time, his eyes on mine. Feeling him slide deep inside my soul and my body. Holding each other, for hours at a time. Knowing we’ll be one together forever.

I want love, my heart aches for it now. We’ll keep searching my friends, we’ll never give up. We will find the one, and make him ours. We’ll live in each other and never look back…

Mistakes…

I’ve made lots of mistakes and managed to push lots of people away.

 

Some needed shoving, but others I was only trying to bring closer.

 

I misjudge people. I see love for me in their eyes, but often mistake a plutonic love for a true love. I’m hooked on the idea of love. I want to be in love with someone who can sincerely love me back. I want my love to consider me his number one, and in return I shall oblige this sentiment.

 

But I make mistakes. I’ve recently managed to push a special person away. I wanted him closer but I spectacularly failed. Bridget Jones would be so proud of me! I think I put too much pressure on him, and now he has completely lost interest in me. I flippantly ignored his current situation and stomped my feet like a child. Purely because I wasn’t getting what I wanted.

 

Another guy I sent packing for good reasons. I decided that I was sick to death of guys messing me around, and more importantly I was letting them mess me around. I made a bold decision today and let a guy go who I really like. He let me down for the second time. I believe that I should be a man’s number one priority and if I’m not then they can sod off. I would always return that trust and bond. If fatigue is enough to keep them away then they have missed out on a heart that has a huge capacity for care and love. But also adventure and excitement.

 

My new priority is to avoid men who don’t treat me as their priority. It was my boss who inspired me today when she was telling me about her ex husband, and the sentiment rang true. It was an epiphany and a moment of clarity.

 

There is a guy at the moment that I really like. We went on a date a while back. He is a keen dancer, and a total free spirit, and I have kept casually in touch with him. I actually really like him, but I haven’t told him this, nor have I any immediate intention to do so. I for the first time am playing it completely cool with this guy. He may  like me, maybe only in a plutonic sense. But I’m happy to wait on this one. No rush. What will be, will be. Yes I’d be over the moon if he reciprocated the feelings, but we shall wait and see.

 

I feel I’ve learnt from recent experiences, and yes this is my era of no bullshit and no bullshitting. After all it’s a two way street.

 

Many men have issues and I suppose equally I have mine.

 

I only have the truest and sincerest intentions. I have no desire to hurt or wound anybody. I just want to be loved, because I deserve it. I deserve my happy ever after… I deserve kisses and cuddles. I deserve to love just as I am loved. I deserve to be happy and settled. I deserve mutual respect. I deserve to live a life free from lies, hate, bullshit, tears, heart ache, and fear!

 

I’m an open heart and aways will be. I cannot close my feelings, I cannot deny or suppress my instincts. I cannot lie to myself. I cannot lie to others. I am here and feeling. I wish that a guy would open up their heart to me instead of lying, cheating, hiding, crying, living in fear, and closing themselves off from humanity.

 

Trust in me!

 

Who will be the guy to take a chance on me?

Rules…

So I really hate rules…

 

Especially the ‘rules’ about dating. I’d love to know who came up with these rules… You know, the rules like never have sex on the first date. However:

 

I often get dating spectacularly wrong, I go by my own rules and shun socially accepted norms. I always send lots of texts, especially if I don’t get replies. People say that if you treat them mean it keeps them keen. Well not in my experience. If I hold off and do nothing, then no, he doesn’t come running. I always have to make the effort and do you know I’m sick of it…

 

I could play the aloof hard to get person, but what if the other guy is also doing the same? We could have both thrown away a perfectly good opportunity of a loving and fulfilling life together.

 

But clearly my Glenn Close approach never works. I will always give a guy at least 3 chances. I will text and maybe not get a reply within a timely manner. So I’ll text again, but in a casual fun kind of way, maybe I’ll tell a joke or something. Then a third message to ask if everything is okay, again if I don’t get a reply in what I consider a timely manner. If I tell you what I consider an appropriate response time, you’ll laugh!

 

So how do I play this game going forward. Do I just leave it and wait for them to contact me? After all, if a man is interested in me then he will make an effort to contact me, surely? But what if he is thinking the same thing? Again an opportunity has been missed.

 

Maybe I need to adhere to and stick to a rule… But what rule? Text once, or text twice? What if they genuinely didn’t get the first text message? Do I make a phone call, tweet them, poke them on Facebook, like their status update, hide behind the bushes in their garden? Or do I write provocative tweets or Facebook updates, updates aimed at them? I have done this countless times and it never works. Clearly it’s a pathetic attempt at gaining attention, and is a big turn off.

 

Since when did dating become such a minefield? Why so complicated? We should all have a reject app on our phones. If you date somebody and they’re not interested in you they can update the app. It might be a bit gutting but at least you know not bother them and then look like a bunny boiler.

 

I’m terrible at taking things slowly. If I like someone (and it’s quite rare that I take a liking to a guy) I have to have them immediately. I can’t wait and play silly little games with silly small talk. I want action. I want sex and a relationship! Simples… Am I making a mistake by throwing myself full force into a man that I like? My head tells me I am, but my heart longs for theirs.

 

I am now forcing myself to take things slow. It may be difficult for me but I feel it’s necessary. Don’t get me wrong, I really am not some weird obsessive creature, I just feel a bit more restraint and patience is required.

 

To the new me… Watch out guys!

Scared of what?

Why are people scared of love? If I had a British pound for every time I heard…

I’m scared

I don’t want to get hurt again

I don’t have time for love

I’m not in the right place

I’m terrified 

I’m messed up at the moment

I’m not loveable

I can’t, you’re too good for me

What is actually wrong with people who come out with these statements? There are three possibilities… They actually are scared, they’re actually just not that in to you and don’t have the balls to be honest, or they’re just messed up.

But is it actually possible to be scared of falling in love? I personally cannot comprehend it. I’ve been hurt countless times yet I continue to look for love. I will not, cannot, let previous hurt stop me from finding true love. But are there people who are genuinely scared of being hurt again? Are they telling the truth when they suddenly back off with the excuse “I’m scared.” I mean, grow some balls. Why give up on the possibility of true love because of a fear. Maybe the ‘scared’ person should be dumped in the messed up category? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this??

Then there are liars. I believe the majority of these guys fit into this category. Men that don’t have the balls to be honest use these excuses to make you feel like the bad person. “Oh you came on too strong” “your confidence makes me feel inferior” “you’re much better than me, I cant compete”… they make you believe you’re some kind of narcissist, but it’s them who have the personality disorder. Pussies!

Maybe some people are scared of falling in love, but I bet they genuinely are far and few between.

Last time…

I’m reaching out to him in my heart

To the one who’s absence tears me apart

 

Despite my desire I can’t chase him forever

Alas finding the one must remain my endeavour

 

Maybe he’ll read this, maybe he won’t

Maybe he’ll call, but I just don’t

Know if he feels the same, and wonder

If this request he’ll start to ponder

 

I won’t write about him ever again

This is the last you’ll hear of my gem

 

I ask him to consider and know the truth. I’ll never again make him feel uncomfortable, if that’s how he feels. He needs to know…

 

That I like him so

That I want his whole

That I want his arms

Around my chest

That he makes me grin

That it must be a sin

To like someone so…

 

Caring, special, happy, joyful, elegant, polite, sexy, beautiful, handsome…

 

But this will be my last attempt to win this man I care for

To ask and ask and ask and ask and ask and ask and plead for

 

No hard feelings my dear I totally agree

This is hard to contemplate for thee

 

I’ll now be your friend with no more advances made

You can rest in peace, the Devil has been paid

 

My journey must continue to find the one for me

No more time can be spent waiting for ye

 

Yours

 

Mark

Honesty…

I’m very much a public person, I don’t mind hanging out my dirty washing. I can’t stand by and internalise my feelings… I need to express, I need catharsis. I talk about men, life, love, blow jobs, career, money, politics, education, dating, fucking, walking, reading… Why ever not?

 

But today I feel the need to talk about my insecurities. Yes I maintain that I have confidence, but like everybody else I have anxieties.

 

I never for one minute doubt the person that I am, but I wish I had a flat belly and a less pointy nose.

 

In my previous blog I fear I came across as arrogant. Alas, I need to set the record straight. I love who I am, but I am not in love with myself. I look in the mirror and cringe, I wish I didn’t have hairy legs, I wish I had the confidence to approach a guy at a bar… Bla bla bla!

 

I was connecting with my passionate fiery side yesterday, indeed I do this often. But I’m actually a sensitive soul. I never judge, ridicule, manipulate, or have any cruel intentions. I was just getting sick of myself letting guys control me. This is my weakness… I fall ‘in love’ too easily, and I only end up hurting myself and pissing other people off.

 

I’ve been in contact with a few guys who really do float my boat, but the feelings are not reciprocated. I wish that one day a man can say “Mark, I feel the same way about you”.

 

I would melt!

 

If you’re a guy and you’re put of my confident facade, please don’t be. I’m a sweet person and I have a lot of love to share! Self doubt was my issue many years ago, so I can empathise.

 

But please give me a chance… Let me show you the real me. Not the attention seeking blogger, but the deep and loving me!!!!

 

I’m scared of dying alone, and this I cannot allow to happen. Only self confidence can help me maintain my focus on the happy ever after. But arrogance will only hold me back. Being alone forever terrifies me, and is one of the key reasons why I had my previous breakdown. I couldn’t handle the loneliness.

 

My medication sometimes inflates my ego, and often I wonder if the prozac is doing the talking for me. Sometimes I look back at what I have written and know that my feelings are true, but could have been expressed in a more sensitive way.

 

I’m an open book and an open person. I never keep my feelings to myself, I never hide and bury my fears deep inside. I just hope this doesn’t put men off. Being open and honest is the key to a successful relationship. Surely?

 

Here’s to the future… Up ya bum!

Me, myself, and I…

I’m still actively dating, but when is enough enough?

 

I’m sexy

good looking

attractive

funny

smart

intelligent

confident

stylish

caring

loving

passionate

romantic

well groomed

 

So what is happening… Why still no mans?

 

A friend told me to stop looking and my knight in shining armour will come. He will come when I least expect it (apparently). But I fear this is far too dangerous… What if he never comes? It’s okay spinning an old cliche like it actually has meaning, but we need to look at the reality here. It’s alright saying ‘too many cooks spoil the broth’ whilst on the other hand saying ‘many hands make light work’. Cliches dont actually help people, they hinder them into a temporary satiation of their anxieties, whilst not actually tackling the personal problems they face…

 

I will not give up looking for a man and sit idly whilst the world and it’s happy bastard couples pass by.

 

I just get frustrated because I’m the full package. I’m confident in myself and who I am. I wonder if my ego is what actually gets in the way. Do I suffer from high self esteem? Maybe I intimidate guys with my self assurance.

 

There’s one particular guy, and I really believe he likes me. Maybe I’m wrong, but my heart tells me to keep trying and to not give up the chase. He seems oddly interested in what I’m doing, or who I’m doing things with, yet he rejects all my advances. Perhaps I’ve mistaken a platonic respect and churned it into a love interest.

 

I’ve often found it difficult to have gay male friends. Sure I’ve got plenty of them, but you can guarantee I’ve tried it on with all of them at some point or another. What is the matter with me? I will not change who I am, so how can I change the way men perceive me? Do I need to make some alterations?

 

Like a magnet that repels, maybe I need to change my polarity? Instead of trying to convince this guy I’m the one for him, maybe I need to look at whether he’s the one for me?

 

But then he is. His smile is amazing. He is luminous. He shines brighter than any star in the sky, but I suspect he has low self confidence. But why do I automatically assume the problem is his?

 

Here may lay my problem… I’m spending so much time wondering why he doesn’t just accept he fancies me. Maybe I can’t accept that some guys just don’t fancy me! After all I am fucking fabulous. But, of course, I’m not going to be everybody’s cup of tea. It’s a just a potion I find hard to swallow…

 

Rest assured I will not stop until I find the one! The one that makes my heart flutter and my stomach churn with excitement. I want one of those men that give me an instant erection as soon as I hear their voice. I’ll get him…

 

I just need to work on my high self esteem. Perhaps I’m oozing arrogance, not that this is my intention. I am a caring and loving person. I never judge, and I love people for who they are…

 

If only prospective men could see the real me. The person I am. My soul. My aching heart…

Men to avoid…

The Workaholic

The man who cares more about his career than anything. So career driven, he’s never home, always jetting off. This man will never be around, so avoid, like marmite!

 

The Alcoholic

The man who thinks geting pissed all the time is really cool. He thinks the more smashed he gets at weekends the more fun he is. All conversations revolve around how messy he got, and how many more shots he took than everyone else. Boring! If all you have to talk about is going out on the lash, and talking about being pissed as if it makes you interesting; you are sadly deluded. Oh, and your liver is fucked!

 

The Gym Buff

Nothing wrong with going to the gym, but if his life revolves around it, he can revolve around my middle finger!

 

The Fucked Up

So many gay men are really messed up. They don’t want relationships, the say they can’t commit, and that they’re not looking for anything serious, yet they’ll flirt like hell with you.

There are the ones who are so insecure that when they sell themselves down you don’t know if they’re just trying to blow you off, or if they really do fancy you. The signals are so confusing.

My advice,; the slightest whiff of being messed up or insecure, ditch the bitch, get a Big Mac, light up a Marlboro, and start again.

 

The One Who Is In An Unhappy Relationship

Often guys who are in unhappy relationships like to have a mistress. They end up breaking hearts, and playing dangerous games. These men are pussies, wimps, and need to be avoided at all costs. I’ve had offers from a few of them myself, and I’ve never got what I wanted. I’ve been left with a broken heart on every occasion. They never leave ther unhappy relationships for you because they are terrified. Who wants to date a pussy? Not me!

If he’s willing to cheat, he’d only cheat on you anyway. So you haven’t lost anything. Oh, and you’ve kept your pride.

 

The All Flirt And No Action Man

The ones who text, and call, and flirt, and chat, and show interest, and then confuse the hell out of you with their inaction. They’re generally unresponsive unless you’re talking utter bollocks about bollocks. Come on guys, man up, grow some balls, and make a decision.

Avoid these men as it’s difficult to understand what they want. Do they want to be mates or be dates? Well you’ll do better by moving on and finding someone who can be open.

 

The Bully

The one who tells you what you can and can’t do. The one who cries and stomps and sulks and manipulates because he can’t get his own way. The one who doesn’t let you out of his sight. He makes you feel so small and insignifiant ,you have no confidence to leave him or do anything.

Well the bully needs to be hung out to dry. Preferably by his scrotum.

You can spot a potential bully, if he uses the ‘we’ word within day 3 of your relationship. He always wants to know who you’re talking to; and you may not have even met him yet. He will text you constantly, mostly asking questions about what you’re doing and who you’re with.

 

The Sexy Boring One

Why are the most beautiful men so dull dull dull? I don’t need to say anymore.

 

The Frigid One

I don’t care what people say, sex is very important in a relationship. People only say that sex isn’t important because they hate their own bodies. If he doesn’t want sex with you, he either doesn’t like you or doesn’t like himself. Don’t hang around waiting for him to grow a pair.

 

The Quiet One

I don’t mean shy. I mean the guys who just go quiet on you. The ones who don’t reply to messages or phone calls, even tweets. If he can’t be bothered to reply to you, then he deserves to be dumped by text message.

Find yourself a man who is ready to whip his Blackberry out, no matter where he is or what he’s doing. You should be the most important person in his life.

 

Can you guys think of any more?

Life after love…

At last I’m totally free from any emotional connections!

 

No bullshit, no feelings, no longing, no pining, no crying, no self pity, no bollocks, and no more pussies!

 

Just fabulous me!

 

Oh I’m ready for love again, true love, that is. But I can see now with clear vision, with nothing fogging my view. I can hunt and prowl, with confidence. I can have sex and not feel guilty.

 

The next guy who enters my heart is one lucky bastard! I will not feel belittled again! I have learnt so much and I’m ready for the big time.

 

No more guilt, or angst, or upset. Just a future of love, passion, and respect.

 

I’m living again, and I’m living for me!